These days I’ve come to look at my own life a little differently. I can see beauty inside myself where I could not see any before. I used to live my life in hiding and fear of my secret being leaked. I used to hide myself under a blanket of what society expected of me. It’s taken me many years to realize. It took me 17 years of suffering under this feeling to even accept it myself. Before that was another 12 years of blissful ignorance. I’m 29. I would say the first 12 years of my life were honestly happy. The next 17 have been a great deal of pain and hiding. That’s not to minimize the fun times. I did have fun times… I had good days, and I had bad days… However, the bad days were worse then the good days were good. The bad days also vastly outnumbered the good.
I’ve realized something vitally important to my life and I am ready to act on it. At first this thought brought me nothing but pain. It made me cry myself to sleep at night. It made me want to kill myself. However, now, it brings me nothing but happiness. It explains all that is wrong with me. It explains all the feelings I’ve had inside and have been incapable of showing. It explains why I’ve never quite fit in right with the guys. It explains why I was a gay guy that could never understand the gay rights movement… It explains why I have this feeling sometimes of being two different people. The most powerful sentence of my life so far: “I should have been born a girl.”
It took me a long time to even get here. It’s been a major change to the way I think. Seeing both sides of gender as I do now makes me appreciate the differences, and the similarities so much more. I’ve always had this feeling that I wasn’t experiencing the life I was meant to. I would ask my self fifty to a hundred times a day a simple question: “Is this action/sentence acceptable for a man to do/say?” Yes, I had to ask myself that. In reality I was a girl living in a guy’s body. I had to assess every action I did and thought I had. I was never sure of how the actions I did would make people perceive me. I created a person I showed to the outside world. That person was the man that everyone knows. My mind became a place where every thing I said or did became questioned before it ever happened. It got insane very quickly. Those thoughts piled up and became the leading cause of stress and depression in my life.
Most of this anxiety, depression and repression caused a little thing called dysphoria. Textbook definition: “dys·pho·ri·a – disˈfôrēə noun PSYCHIATRY – a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.” What it means to me: I hated my life. I don’t think it’s possible to understand what that means until you’ve experienced it and more importantly realized that it’s happening to you. All these years I thought I was a happy person but I kept my dysphoria hidden from everyone, even myself. I would bottle it all deep down. The only real emotions I showed were, anger and anxiety. Sometimes depression… Although I learned showing depression got me taken to psychologists. Once I realized all this, and it all clicked in my head…I looked back on almost every major event of my life and experienced a deep sadness comparing how things happened versus how things should have happened.
To give you an idea of just how bad it got: One of my dreams has always been to get married. I saw that as not acceptable for a man so I never said it. I found a husband I got married and I celebrated… To myself. I got married as a man, so our marriage is a gay marriage and says spouse/spouse. They asked if we wanted husband/husband or spouse/spouse… That answer was easy… I’m not a husband. The moment I can legally change my gender… I’m getting that edited to husband/wife. I can’t wait! That day will be hopefully one of the biggest celebrations of my life! One of the happiest moments of my life is getting married… Because of my dysphoria I was not able to share it with anyone but my husband. Also, because of my dysphoria I didn’t look like the happiest person in the room that moment. I probably looked very sad and depressed. That is why no pictures of that day exist. We went to the court house and did it in front of a judge alone. It was not my dream wedding, but it was my dream marriage.
We were planning a small to medium sized wedding and I was really excited about it! The wedding of my dreams was going to happen! Then, it came to wardrobe. That’s when the proverbial shit hit the fan in my mind. No way in hell was I wearing a suit to a wedding… I WANTED A DRESS! So, I comprised with myself: A yukata is okay for a guy to wear, and it’s kinda like a dress! However, the only way it was going to work and keep my secret safe is if my future husband wore one too. My mom pushed back, she wanted me in a suit. Which makes sense. She wanted to see me as the guy I was on the outside. My husband pushed back as well, he didn’t want to wear one. Which makes sense… Because he is a guy and didn’t want to wear what amounts to a dress! They didn’t understand what I was feeling inside… Although, I couldn’t tell them because I couldn’t quite put my finger on it either. I didn’t even understand these feelings… They were THAT repressed. That was the day the wedding died in my mind. So, we went to the courthouse. The wedding of my dreams died, because of my dysphoria. It still makes me tear up thinking about it. I’m hoping there will be a ceremony somewhere down the line… But I’m not ready yet.
The event with the wedding was… Without a doubt… The last straw. I had been awakened at that point. I finally saw these problems as they were happening. I vowed that day… They would never happen again!
Most recently I’ve told almost everyone that I’m transgender. I’ve told everyone that I should have been a woman. Everyone around me has been so accepting. It has warmed my hart to no end. I’ve even had a couple people (including my husband) say “Oh, I’ve known for a while I just didn’t know how to talk to you about it” Nobody has outright denied it or been angry with me. It makes me realize what a lucky person I really am. Coming out (for a third time) could have been so much worse.
There is a difference between someone’s physical sex and mental gender… Most people can come to some kind of agreement within them selves. Most people can leave their sex alone and be happy. I cannot. I see the people around me; I’m like none of them. Some have a female gender and sex. Some have a male gender and sex. Some have a neutral gender and can accept whichever sex they are as their “gender”. I am different. I have a female gender, and a male sex. For many many years I’ve tried to chain down my gender. I’ve tried to imprison her inside me… It has caused that dysphoria that I’ve felt over the years. I’ve tried to accept myself as a guy. It hasn’t worked. It’s literally only my body that thinks I’m a man. So I can’t change my gender to match my sex… That means I have to change my sex to match my gender. I have to get the world to see me how I see myself. This will cause a “transition” to happen.
I’ve started transitioning at home… I’ve become more comfortable in the kitchen (a place I was never able to go without getting anxious/depressed) and started making food. My husband was quick to start thinking of me as ‘she’. My life has become more normal and happy at home. I’ve grown much closer to myself, and my husband.
As for the external transition: The transition will be taken a step at a time. First step is to find a support group of people that have gone (are going) though this same thing. Then, building a plan. This blog is my way to say the things I need to say though this process without bothering people around me with constant questions, emotion, and doubts. I have vowed that if at any point during the transition I feel comfortable with who I am… The transition stops. If that makes me this weird person who is “half-transitioned” to being a woman fine. All I want to do is stab this dysphoria in the face. I want to murder these feelings of doubt, anger, repression, depression and anxiety.
I feel like all my life I’ve been two different people… One is a woman in chains under the surface. The other person is that man on the outside who I’ve shown to the world. There are some things shared by both people, there are some things that make those two very different people. The next couple of years of my life is like that of a gold miner shaking out the silt pan looking for gold. I will find it. But now, I’ve begun looking at life differently.
So now that I’ve come out to the world… I need a coming out song!
P.S. It’s nice to finally have something to write about on my blog… I’ve also changed the color scheme of the blog to fit the new theme of the site…