Quick unedited post because I don’t have time for much else unfortunately. 🙁
It’s amazing how much can change so quickly.
At this point I’ve been on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) for two weeks, and two days. First. Some numbers.
- Estradiol: 2mg 2x per day. 4mg total.
- Spironolactone: 5o mg 2x per day. 100mg total.
Hormone Table of Fun!
|Hormone||Baseline Value||Target Value||Current Value|
Next Medical Appointment for Hormone Level Testing: March 24, 2015.
What change could have possibly happened in two weeks? Quite a bit actually. Even after the first couple of hours of being on hormones I looked at myself in the mirror, and was able to smile. At first, I thought I was just having a placebo effect. I thought that because I thought I was on hormones I was acting differently. I thought that I liked the idea of being a woman finally so much that I was finally starting to be happy. Then this happened:
Many thought it was some kind of PMS. I had no signs of illness. I had no signs of being sick yet I was sick. Also I noticed my emotions were starting to change.
My anger, which was a huge problem for me in the past, was now evaporating. Things that would make me angry didn’t anymore. For years I was such an angry person that I would get angry with something or someone every single day. I would bottle it and hide it. It would eventually explode out from me in a wave of stress or frantic need to get something done or even throwing something (like my phone) across a room. Those feelings are all but gone.
Happiness is something I struggled with keeping. Sure, I could be happy. I had a happy thought I would smile and then the emotion, and my smile would fade off into the distance. My laugh would happen then go away. I’m finding myself being able to get, and stay, happy. No longer do I have to think myself happy. I just am happy.
I still have my moments of depression and dysphoria, but they aren’t nearly as painful. I am starting to think and see myself more as a woman every day.
However, even up until last Friday (the 6th) I thought it was all Placebo Effect. But then, physical changes started rolling in. On Friday my husband noticed the first one. I honestly didn’t even notice myself until the day after. My nipples… are no longer flat. I used to be able to press them flat against my chest…. Not anymore. Other then my husband nobody would have ever noticed until I go swimming (which I now don’t intend to do publicly for a while) but they look different. At this point, the physical effects became undeniable. Hormones were having their effect on my body.
Today I noticed my acne is much much worse that it has been even a week ago. That is one of those unintended consequences. Acne will get much worse in the short term as so much changes within my body. Over time my body will adjust to the new hormones and my acne will start to go away.
My second puberty has begun… It’s already been quite exciting! Now that change has begun for real. Thank you all for being so supportive of me. There were many large steps to get here, and many large steps to go but I’m starting to get to where I need to be.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be long before I can rule the world inside my mind.