This is going to be a post similar to the previous post. The idea is that it is kind of unedited mush. The goal for me is to brainstorm. The questions I am looking to refine now that I have some connection to my soul include, but are not limited to, what is my role in other people’s lives? What purpose do I see my life serving? Why did this mystery of my life choose to reveal itself now? Why does it matter that I am a girl inside instead of a boy? Why did my soul choose to be feminine? There are things that go into the happiness of a person. I think i’m starting to slowly get control of them and build them into my life… I will sort out some issues and be happier then I’ve ever been before. In fact, I already am, the road has much further to go but I’m on the right path.
Why does my gender even matter? I know looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a man is disgusting to me, but I also think that if my life had taken a different route I could have been happy as a man. I feel like my mentality fractured when genders self-segregated in grade school. Why did my soul go with the girl part of me? Why did the girl part of me strip me clean? The most enjoyable parts of my life looking back are when I made other peoples’ lives easier. I enjoy bringing enjoyment and ease to other people. I will go out of my way and cause myself trouble in very large ways to make someone else’s life even slightly easier. I have never wanted my own story. Sure, I have dreamed of making change. I have dreamed of being in somewhere like the White House… but never as the President. I was the supporting character. I was the First Lady. I want to be the support character in the life of all of those around me. I never wanted a story of my own.
Yet, I feel like everyone is supporting me right now. I can be a supporting character as a man. I have a career in IT support. My income comes from supporting people. Am I sexist to think I should be a girl? I do not think so in my heart, but the idea does occur to my mind. I feel like a core of support in a non-career environment is to love people. Why do I feel like the amount of love I have to give has exponentially increased since I started allowing me to think of myself as a girl? Is it because society expects men to want and therefore not give? Is it because I was able to love myself and that increased my ability to love outside of myself as well?
I want to teach, but not as a teacher. When I was leading student techs at OPRF, they called me a mentor. That word filled me with warmth. What makes a mentor different from a teacher? Why do I hate the idea of being a teacher if the idea of being a mentor fills me with warmth? I feel like this goes to the old idea of the classroom setting. The classroom setting failed me. When I was in high school, most teachers considered himself or herself the ultimate knowledge on a subject and the students were there to learn from the superior knowledge. Whereas some teachers acted, more like mentors and allowed themselves to learn with the students. It was almost as if learning did not stop after school. (Which it does not) I would hate being a teacher… but being a mentor means admitting the mentor has as much to learn from the student, as the student has to learn from the mentor. In my situation, there were times where a student asked me a question that I would not have asked. That question lead to us thinking about things differently and eventually rolling around to a breakthrough I would not have had otherwise. I exist to ask you the questions you will not ask yourself. All I want to do is encourage everyone to dream more, learn more, and do more. I will ask you the questions that push you in that direction.
So where is my value? Transgenderism? Is that really a value? Sure, I have talked about my experiences. I have talked about things that people did not know about. However, there are plenty of transgender people out there who have similar stories to mine anyone of them could write the blog or the book. Technology? Sure, I can teach it. Aviation? Sure, I know a lot about flying… but for whom is that useful? I know a fundamental core of a great many things. It seems good for someone who is helpful to many people but our society gives the most money and best careers to super specialists. The people who are experts get careers and gain large compensation. I know a little about politics, civil engineering, engineering in general… I know a little of so many things, but I am not an expert in anything. Some people around me seem to think I know a lot about technology… It is not true. That appears only because I know more than they do. I honestly know technology at a surface level. Maybe that is the lack of self-esteem from boy-mode talking… I feel like a jack-of-all-trades master of none. Society, as a whole, does not value that type of person.
Where my skills appear to be exceptional is in organization and data management. If I know, a series of data is valuable I can reorganize it and present it in a way that makes it abundantly clear why it is the data is important and places all the important bits in easily accessible places. I have skills in quickly organizing typing and gathering information. I am one of the most resourceful people I know…
Yet these type of people exist. The question is where do they exist? I do not want to specialize. I do not want to spend years learning more than I need to about any specific topic. I want to be a jack-of-all-trades master of none. They are the best supporting characters. They are the best mentors. They are the best of people that guide then step aside to watch their charge bloom. I feel like a few roles most allow that to occur: Secretary, Administrative Assistant, Wife, and Mother. Odd, these are all generally feminine roles, and they are generally not as highly respected as the people they support. However, a great deal of the people in power and the decision makers of the world are thankful to their assistant, wife, mother for supporting them. They also wield power and respect while not being right on the front line. In addition, they are usually the first line for those odd questions…
I never wanted to be in the front line. I never wanted to be the person that society stood up and said “Isn’t this person awesome?” My true calling is the person behind that person. I do not care if society sees my value. I want the person I help to see my value. I want to support that person and give them the ability and the knowledge and information they need to be that awesome superstar. Is that why my soul chose to go with the feminine part of me when my mentality fractured? I do not want financial compensation. I do not want compensation though fame. All I want is thanks. All I want is for the people I support to say, “Yes, you are one of the most meaningful people in my life.” I do not think that is normal for a man. I almost feel like those goals are more feminine by nature, at least in the way society looks at them. However, I love technology people and feel like I can interact with them well… With that said, I am not a large fan of technology itself… Should my career actually be Administrative Assistant to a CIO? Why did I never consider that as an option before? Is that because I was born a man? Is it normal that being a man would take that career path off the table? Is that a mistake by society? Is that an assigned Gender Role? Is assigning gender roles okay?
Is it because of that role that I can no longer feel comfortable as man?
I seem to have ended this post with more questions than answers but that does not matter because I feel like more of a whole person each time I think about these questions. To make myself a whole person I need both Jo and Joe. However, I will need to cut Joe loose for fore a little while then bring him back. However before I do, I need to listen to him. Right now most of the time Jo is in my mind and Joe is in my heart. It is an odd inverse from the previous parts of my life. It makes me feel much better, and whole.
Either way, from now on, unlike ever before, I shall listen to my heart. It will start building happiness.